Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Bus Windows

Hola a todos that still check in with my blog!
   Recently I have been traveling within Ancash a bunch... up and down the callejon de Huaylas in pimped out combis, cruzing down south with Regional Coordinator Nelly to develop new Huaywash sites for the volunteers that will be here in a month already, driving up to Shilla for a quick visit.... and I find that I generally really enjoy these trips.  All you need to do is put the headphones in, the ipod on, a good playlist and voila!  Distraction from loud unwanted noises such as huayno blasting from the car radio, gross men talking about unpleasant things, and small babies crying.  Amazingly enough good music also takes away from unpleasant feet or campesino smells as well.  And besides just serving as a distraction it also allows me to just contemplate everything that is going on especially in these last few months that I am here in Peru as a peacecordian.  I let the lyrics and music sweep me up as a stare out bus windows and just let myself FEEL.  Sometimes when there are too many things going on around you feeling can be exhausting especially when you're mostly feeling sadness, confusion, anxiety and other emotions that seem equally not fun.  But in a combi with my playlist on, I let my band friends do the talking: Currently mostly Calle 13, Manu Chao, The Civil Wars, Elliot Smith... among others. Sigh.

   Recently on one of these trips I realized why I feel so crazy and desperate about my imminent departure from this country I have grown to know so well.  It's because well. I am breaking up with Peru after a 3 year intimate relationship. So intimate that it's confusing.  It's nothing that Peru did specifically.. It's not Peru, it's me. I think I need to get to know myself outside of the context of this relationship.  And, hey, get to know other countries too maybe while I'm at it.  Peru wasn't a bad boyfriend - far from it.  We got along splendidly, have many of the same things in common.  Peru challenged me to grow in ways I didn't think I could.  I cried. I laughed. I skipped hand in hand at times . Clutched longingly at toilets while on the ground in severe pain.  Stared confusingly at its people, understood and felt part of its people, became one with its mountains, choked on its dust, gotten sick on its bacteria and parasites.  We've even had our spats.  I mean, there have been times I have been so angry at Peru especially when it comes to injustice and the "red tape" processes. But now, as it's coming to an end I feel forlorn.  Part of me doesn't want to leave the familiar.  It's what I know and what I've made into a home these past few years.  But I know I need to break free and it won't be easy.  I calm myself with promises that I will come back and visit as OFTEN as possible, that I will call Peru all the time and make sure it's still included in my life.  I'm a bit scared even to take off and go back to the states, figure out my next step and keep going on this whole "life" thing.

  I guess what I'm really trying to say is: I think I'm ready and I'm getting excited about my little adventure/trip after Peace Corps ends, going home, visiting friends and family and Christmas and the new bunny in the house (her name's Panda... isn't that just a great name?), getting some sort of job, going to grad school

1 comment:

  1. It’s never too early to think about the Third Goal. Check out Peace Corps Experience: Write & Publish Your Memoir.